This is Why I Can't have Nice Things [Spiderman]

"Oh no, sir I'm sorry I'm-" and that was about as far as she got before some tourist shoved his phone into her hands. He wanted a picture of him and his wife in against an alleyway. She tried to warn him, tried to say no, but in the spirit of New York, he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Even if she'd bothered to learn how to work a cellphone, she didn't dare get near one as fancy as this. From what she could tell, it was one of those new iPhone things and it looked expensive. Just as she expected, the second it was in her hands, the screen started to crackle.

Panicking, she shoved it back. Her electricity sparked and the screen cracked. He saw the phone was broken and snatched it back, his face skewing with anger. Crap.

"What the fuck is this?!"

"Nothing. I didn't want it. I tried to tell you."

"You're paying to replace it," he said, poking a finger at her chest. Crappity crap.

"Well maybe if you didn't give a total stranger your phone this shit wouldn't happen."

"What did you just say?" He stepped into her space, his wife trying to call him back and calm him down. He just shrugged her off, trapping Mae against the alleyway wall. She felt her electricity spark and several TVs around in apartments around them went out. The phone in his hand completely died. The next person to touch her was in for a nasty surprise.

Well fuck.

Peter hated Sundays. Why, on god's green(well, asphalt gray) earth did Aunt May insist on dragging him to church? All he did there was sleep...and she knew it. Maybe she thought just being there counted.

Regardless, he was glad to be out of there, and in the air, swinging around to his hearts content. He told Gwen he would meet up with her later, but he had hours to patrol. He supposed the one good thing about going to church was that he was up anyway, so he might as well go swinging.

Suddenly, his spider-sense went crazy, like it was saying PAY ATTENTION MORON!. He looked down, and saw the girl, and the angry tourist. Tourists in New York stuck out like an angry Rhino in a china shop. Things didn't look good...this guy meant business. He swooped lower, jumped off of a lightpost, ran along a wall, and did a flipping somersault, landing directly in between them.

"Easy there. big guy. Calm down. I know you're new here, so let me explain a few things to you. I'm Spider-man...and this is MY jurisdiction. I don't know what this girl did, there are more important things in life than your iphone...which, by the way, is outdated.

As I see it, you have two options. You can apologize to this girl, and walk away peacefully, or I can web you upside down from the nearest flagpole, and you can wait for the cops while the blood rushes to your head. Your call pal."

[b]Fuck you, BUG. Fine i'll go...this city sucks, and I hope it rots

Typical...people always thought calling him a bug would piss him off. Well, he was right.

Grabbing him by his shirt, Spidey pressed him against the wall, and with his free hand, webbed him up, encasing all but his head in a cocoon. Satisfied, he turned around.

That's when the purse hit him in the face.

The wife looked on with complete horror as Spiderman grabbed her husband and strung him up on a lamp post. The guy was busy shouting obscenities and a few people risked quick glances, but no one walked over to help him. They all knew: if Spiderman did it, then the guy deserved it. Either that or they secretly filed him away as a jerk and moved on. This was not their business and they couldn't be bothered to get involved in it. Ah, New York City. One of the only places people could walk down the street in a Barney costume and barely get their picture taken. This, this was nothing.

Of course, it wasn't nothing to the wife. Mae was trying really hard not to laugh and then the guy's wife went ahead and slammed her purse right into the wall crawler's face. Mae covered her mouth and then bit her lip, making a sympathetic look of 'oooooh,' when it made contact.

She thought about helping, but A. she doubted he needed her help, and B. if she tried to help the two of them were going to end up on their butts wondering what the hell had just happened. While the wife getting shocked would be hilarious, it might be just a bit rude to electrocute her rescuer. He was like her...sort of. Different.

Where the hell did his spider-sense go all of a sudden? Did it not register the woman as a threat? Shit...that actually hurt a little. What does she keep in there...an Almanac? Stupid spider-sense. Seriously, what the hell?

"Ok, ow. Ma'am, your husband needs to cool off...good thing it's almost winter, it shouldn't be a problem. Now, i'm going to hope that you learn from this, and take away a very, VERY important rule about being a New York tourist: when you insult my city, harass young girls, and worst of all, call me a bug, you're going to find yourself in a sticky situation. Good day. "Alright lady. Please don't try and do that again...I really don't want you to join your husband."he thought.

Now to check on the girl. He didn't notice right away, but this girl was pretty. Not that he would do anything, because of his Gwen, but still.

"Would you like a lift? I can swing you anywhere you want to go...as long as it's in the Big Apple." Eh, worth a try.

Aw, that was so sweet. If only she wouldn't have a fifty-fifty chance of killing him if she touched him right then. She might've just taken him up on that offer. She loved flying and she could only imagine how cool web slinging would be.

"Uhhhh, thanks, but I'm afraid of heights," she answered, holding up her hands in a sort of surrender. It was a lie, a huge, megaton kind of lie. "Thanks for saving me, by the way. That guy had no sense of personal space."