The SHIELD Message Board

[Svetlana Orlova]

Basically, this is where you post notes for your fellow SHIELD agents to see. Tips for rookies, warnings, upcoming events and parties you might be planning (did we hear right: party down at R&D?), etc. Have fun! N.B: None of these tips necessarily have to have happened for them to be posted. It's just a bit of fun.

"Whichever bastard has been stealing all my fandom shirts has until midnight tonight to bring them back. You will not like the consequences if you don't. I am a surgeon (read: I know how to make you bleed and I will possibly enjoy it)."

[Maria Hill]

"Sending Captain Rogers links to unsavoury websites is frowned upon. ‘Because it makes him blush’ is neither a good nor even remotely acceptable excuse. The next agent who does this will be strung up upside down in the gym to be used during kick box training."

[Amy Pond]

"Please stop mentioning Furbies to Thor. It was bad enough that some idiot actually gave him one!"

[Maria Hill]

"Despite certain rumours, SHIELD has no intention of hosting its own version of the Hunger Games."

[Phil Coulson]

Any mention of Tahiti is now strictly forbidden, any agent whom mentions Tahiti will be shot, survivors will receive a court martial, sentenced to death, then shot again, corpse will be thrown off the Helicarrier.

[Steve Rogers]

"Please stop sending me Rick Roll'd videos. It's not funny after the third time, let alone the hundredth. Any issues, please see me personally."

[Patience Moran]

All rookies, there are no corpses in mine, the Deputy Director, or the Directors offices, we hid them under you quarters, any attempts to dig up the corpse will be punished by joining them. Do not disturb the dead.

[Svetlana Orlova]

"To all EMH Team members, senior agents, science and engineering personnel, medical personnel not on-call over the weekend, etc etc. Get your livers ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking-Game Movie Marathon is a go. Philosopher's Stone starts at 1800 at The Bar, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid-level drinking out of you muggles. Junior agents need not apply."

[Patience Moran]

Agents of SHIELD, we are now welcoming a new consultant to SHIELD, agents are encouraged to train with this consultant, according to our reports he is the subject of a urban legend in New York

[John Garrett]

Hello agents, Agent Garrett here and I strongly urge you to research a singer named Robin Sparkles

[Maria Hill]

Any agents caught researching said Robin Sparkles will immediately be shot and fed to Director Fury's new pet. Any personnel found researching will receive the same fate, and believe me, I will find out.

[John Garrett]

This is Garrett, research the subject, it is work the risk of death and if you want to survive, your best chance is Sitwell, Coulson or me.

[Maria Hill]

Any agent who continues on with the suicidal idea of researching the topic is really too dumb to be alive. Fluffy will enjoy your corpses for his dinner. On a related note, Agent Coulson is not going to be saving anyone suicidal enough to cross me. He knows why.

[John Garrett]

Maria, want me to link the rookies about Robin sparkles instead? They would not have researched it if I do.

[Nick Fury]

Agents of SHIELD, if you attempt to research Robin Sparkles, and you are not of clearance level Seven or above, you will have a conversation with Fluffy, he is hungry.

[Svetlana Orlova]

All agents are reminded that the Kinder Surprise eggs which clearly state "PROPERTY OF DR SVETLANA ORLOVA" are indeed mine and are not to be touched under any circumstance. The next person caught stealing from my personal stash will be subjected to vivisection without anaesthetic.

[Maria Hill]

A reminder to all agents that just because you saw it on Mythbusters does not mean you should try it out at SHIELD.

[John Garrett]

For all SHIELD agents, view at your own risk, not safe for work, if you are caught viewing this, you will likely be executed on spot.

[Phil Coulson]

For fucks sake Garrett, you are dead and I am not going to bail you out this time, you better find some dark hole to hide until Maria decides not to kill you and only rip off your limbs. By the way, this means no, you are not getting a wedding invite.

[Nick Fury]

All employee's of SHIELD are hereby ordered to direct Agent John Garrett to the office of Director Nicholas Fury if you encounter him. If Garrett refuses to head to my office, you are cleared to use armed force to escort him to my officer, under no situation are you to hand Agent Garrett to the Deputy Director. We want Agent Garrett disciplined not dead.

[Maria Hill]

All employees of SHIELD who wish to not be thrown off the Helicarrier or brutally killed in one hundred different ways are hereby ordered to disregard Director Fury's memo; you are to track down and drag Agent John Garrett's sorry ass to the office of Deputy Director Maria Hill right now. The person to do this gets the prize of not being fed to Fluffy. You are cleared to use as much force as is necessary to bring that idiot to my office, however I need him alive as I want the pleasure of wiping that idiotic smirk off his stupid face myself.

[Phil Coulson]

Maria, breathe. Garrett is a dumbass we all know that, he will continue to be a dumbass, but we need him, so lets not kill him please? He is my friend, and thus could you just remove his tongue instead of killing him? As much as we enjoy Garrett's wonderful words, he really does not need that tongue of his.

[Maria Hill]

Just because I am angry enough to kill him doesn't mean I'm going to. Just torture him enough to make him wish that his brain could actually function enough to not do the dumbass things he does. Agents are no longer expected to bring him to my office, but to bring Agent Garrett down into the medical bay instead. And quickly does it. I'm getting impatient.

[Patience Moran]

Do you want me to call Doctor Orlova and the head nurse down to the medical bay to help you Deputy Director Hill?

[Maria Hill]

No, they need not concern themselves with such matters because apparently it's "unethical and against the Hippocratic Oath". You, however, are most welcome to join me.

[Sponsored content]